Change is not always as good as a holiday....

If you want to make enemies, try to change something.

- Woodrow Wilson

I'm pretty confident that I have discussed change with you before, and the importance of being open to demolishing old structures that no longer serve us in a positive way, and to deny those rhythms that no longer give us the  forward momentum to succeed.

Recently, I have been given the opportunity to become a band-aid in my work life, providing cover and stability to several meetings that have been without their regular leader. 

Excited at the prospect of a bit of extra work, I welcomed the challenge, and embraced the added hours and opportunity to earn a little bit of spending money as we head toward the Christmas holidays. 

I have to admit though, I have had to reassess just how tough a cookie I am during this last few weeks, adding pressure on my existing back injury, with more and more stock transferal between venues and cupboards, along with the set up and pack down of venue furniture. 

These weeks of substitute leading additional meetings have been a slight haze of paracetamol, codeine and the soothing heat of my wheat bag.

 

Generally I love being the fill in leader, I get to break away from normal routine and share the story of my 57 kilos lost, and help motivate my "audience" by answering their many enthusiastic and inquiring questions. I get such a high from being able to inspire members to head in to their next week of their personal journey with such vigor and lust for success.

Through a lot of hard work and plenty of often embarrassing self disclosure over the last year and a half, I feel I've gained the respect and trust of my many "home meeting" members, and in many cases it's like inviting a bunch of my best friends over each week to catch up. 

Like many people, it would seem that I also get overly confident in daily routines and rituals, and often take things outside of these acts for granted, assuming that the way I want things done is how everyone wants them done. 

Stuck in my own bubble and routine of how I like my meetings to operate, I proceeded into my temporary meetings with the same passion and feisty drive I do with my own, I have had no hesitation with keeping some firm ideals in place. 

Much to the members disgust.

It wasn't until this afternoon that it was really put in to perspective when I figuratively and quite reluctantly slipped on the shoes of one such disgusted member, we were equally frustrated with each other. Both holding a firm set of expectations as to when and what should be occurring throughout the course of the morning.

Stubborn in my resolve to have my meetings run to the time frames I am required to run them, I flew open my meeting doors, on time, eager and ready for a bright and vibrant response........ disappointingly I was not greeted by my warm and loving regulars; instead being met with a curiously terse woman who had an entirely different focus from my own. And that definitely was not hanging around waiting for some stranger to open the doors asking her to wait for a tic while her card was fished out of the member record box.

For the better part of the day I have taken my liaison with this joyous person in quite the negative way, she was rude, and obnoxious, and crippled my sunny outlook momentarily by sharing her ugly opinion of me in a loud and inflated way. For most of the day I felt quite the victim, until I discussed this with a friend and work colleague who was witness. 

Mostly, I consider the glass half full, every opportunity in the meeting room, whether it be perceived as a negative or positive can drive us forward into amazing success. And as my friend recited to me the incident and reflected back to me all that I had been thinking during the day about it, my mind set altered, I suddenly felt compelled to defend the rude behaviour. Citing legitimate reasons for our mismatched expectations of the occasion.

Regardless of the routines we self impose, they are generally there to lend structure, and stability to our perceived successful outcomes.

I recall a meeting earlier this year, where I was not able to use the regular set of scales, one of the members that day noticed this change in the lay out of her meeting room, and left, saying she had worked too hard that week for a different set of scales to tell her otherwise. (All of our scales are serviced by Wedderburn and are calibrated often, they all read the same!) I understood though, I have my own weigh in rituals too, right down to shaving my legs, and not wetting my hair before weigh in. Sportsmen have their own things before a big match, it's really no different, when it comes to our determination and desire to be successful at what we set out to achieve! We practice every day to get a desired result, and it's amazing how overpowering our mind can be, when it tells us we can not possibly be successful if one of these things is mismatched.

And today, for Ms Cranky-Britches, I was the mismatch.

To be fair, the moment wasn't big enough for me to change my resolve and my structure in the meeting room. I have very large numbers of people in my meetings and those people are incredibly successful, and I know that an element of that success is driven by mutual respect and communicating our expectations effectively. There is also an element of flexibility and forgiveness when things don't go quite the way we expect them to.

Change is inevitable, whether it is desired or not, life can change inexplicably in the blink of an eye, how we cope with that change is entirely in our own control.

I'm quite reminded of a line in the serenity prayer.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can"

On that note, it's time the deep reflection for the day to end, a small acknowledgement of the absence of a blog entry is noted, life is busy, pain has been frequent, and this has just been one more thing...today though, I'm reminded that "this one more thing" is important for my own bit of Ali time, and that reflection can be quite therapeutic and that time is more than worthwhile.

See you again soon.

Ali xo

Stage Fright...

For a great many weeks now, I have been attending a burlesque course, with the interesting folk, that make up Ayla's Angels Burlesque Troupe.

Ranging from the beautiful and sophisticated style, of "Bonita Danger Doll", to the quirky and unusually enchanting "Harlow Le Strange", our group have been learning many different elements that make up the famed art of tease (certainly not to be confused with slease!)


I've found this course, to have provided an amazing range of new acquaintances, and a taste of the more extravagant performance arts culture in our very conservative Christchurch base.

In terms though of feeling nurtured as an aspiring artist, I'm not really sure this course has delivered.  However, bringing about a new sense of body confidence, and a renewed vigor for empowering individuals to experiment with less main stream ideas, has definitely been entertaining, and for me personally, has me watching youtube clips of performers world wide, and following the many pursuits of the amazing talent that the caberlesque movement in NZ has to offer.

This Sunday serves as opportunity to debut my new alter ego - Miss Sassy Penders and nerves aside, I may  not deliver quite the polished act of a seasoned performer, but I'll give it a good go.

I guess this is the part where you guys all say "break a leg" 

Nestled in the corner...

Sipping on a warm cup of "Japanese Lime" Green Tea.

Soaking in the mellow sounds of an acoustic Spanish album. It certainly sounds wonderful, mind you they could be singing about burying their wives in the back yard for all I know.

Making the comment on my Facebook profile last night, that I felt slightly tormented by all the things I want to do, has led me to my blog, for a third time this week.

I don't generally blog this often, but I do find it remarkably therapeutic, in terms of working through thoughts, and ideas and generally giving the old noodle a bit of a shuffle about and tidy up.
 
There was a time where I felt that having been involved in so many different things was a bit of a failure, 'Jack of all trades, master of none' is the phrase that used to spring to mind often.

In recent years though, I've come to the conclusion that I am merely quite a creative person who not only enjoys a challenge, but more requires one, much like oxygen, in order to live a healthy life.

I don't think I'm particularly flakey, I don't change my personal values on a whim.

But there are just so many things I want to learn, and achieve, and master. It's sometimes difficult to know where to start.

At the beginning would be the most logical I suppose; Trying to find that point though, is not really as easy as it sounds.

Perhaps I need to begin writing lists, the trouble with me and lists however, is that they often get left in the bottom of my handbag, on the kitchen counter, or in a pants pocket, getting a super clean from the washing machine.

In terms of having direction, it's not often that I choose to sit still, but from time to time I find myself in this interesting juncture, weeding through the bounty of possibilities, my magpie'ish mind has collected and fallen in love with over a generally short period of time.

While I get immense pleasure and satisfaction with my work as a Weight Watchers leader, and with the restructure of my cake and cupcake making business (no longer mass producing plain cupcakes with a dumping of frosting and sprinkles on top, for cheap bargain hunting...oops away I go again about the great kiwi cheapo...), there are many other pursuits that I would like to learn more about, and participate in too.

A  complimentary suggestion made to me the other day about submitting my writing to a newspaper or magazine, struck a chord; while I've been pottering away with a fictional novel over the last couple of months, a submission it is still a wee way in the future. The possibility of my writing being of enough interest for a regular features spot, was a bit exciting. So this among other things gets added to my list of "want to do"

If only the list stopped there; I guess my personal challenge for the week is to being to whittle down the current list of want to do, to a smaller version of need to do.

OH boy! ... Wish me luck ...

Ali xo

Ever feel like you have bitten off more than you can chew?

Perhaps that horrific moment in the changing room at your favourite store, when with a wiggle and contortionist movement, you managed to fit your body into an ill fitting garment, all is fine......just as long as you don't breath, cough or dare I say it... laugh!

Looking in the mirror, you try to make it work though, go on, we've all done it, if I put my shoulders back here, or wear something loose fitting over top, or if I put some control topped pantyhose on, it could work...couldn't it?

The horror  really sinks in, though, as you hear a piece of cotton finally let go with a pop, as you try to shrink yourself enough to get back out of it.

Well okay, it wasn't really the garment that was ill fitting, it was that our eyes told a story that was somewhat different, to the hard reality that a size 8 is simply not going to fit on a size 12 body; No matter how much sucking it in, pushing it up and hoping for the best that we do.


Ultimately though, we eventually manage to untangle ourselves,  awkwardly admitting to the sales assistant that it was perhaps not quite the right fit.

I was having an interesting conversation this evening with a good friend of mine, who is currently going through some incredibly big changes in their world. To top it off has embarked in some pretty full on study. Seeing the words, I think I've bitten off a bit more than I can chew, appear on my screen were not something I ever thought this person would utter.

After a bit of a pep talk, and some successful distraction, I'm optimistic that a bit of renewed vigour for the task at hand was awakened.

This conversation got me thinking about those times where I've personally felt a little stuck and overwhelmed.

And I think my figurative example above sums it up for me.

At times we do have our eyes set on a prize that is a little far reaching, and some times, try as we might to force the situation, it's just simply not a good fit for us.

The great thing is, there is nothing that we can get ourselves into, that we can't get out of, even if damage does mimic the effort we used worming our way there in the first place.

More often than not, there is an amazing alternative just around the corner (or on the rack as the case may be), and sometimes it's worth holding on to our original plan and adjusting a few other things in our environment to make it work ....like eating a few less twinkies.

Night x

In the midnight hour

From time to time, the mind runs rampant, flickering through all the elements that create our days, weeks and months, lives.

It would appear that for me, the time for such a moment, is upon me. Right this very moment.

Not entirely ideal, it is after all, 12.58am.

The last couple of months have served as a large reminder, that despite our best intentions, at times things do not go as we had forecast.

Several years ago, I published a magazine, encompassing the amazing talent in the holistic community in New Zealand, I jumped in, guns blazing, overly optimistic, not naive, but too trusting that the publication would be well supported, thus well funded.

Well supported it was!

Finding writers and people wanting to share their beliefs and benefit of life lessons was a cinch, everyone has a story, and experience that given a moment to share, will do so willingly.

Advertisers too came thick and fast, oh, yes, provided the cost was screwed right down to the bare bones.

The result, an amazing publication, that was professional, rich in text, knowledge, and advertising.

My faith in the advertisers and their willing to commit a nominal fee to the magazine however, was disappointed.

Seems to be a common kiwi trait, everyone wants the best for nothing, or as little as possible. A bargain.

Since that experience, I have learned a few things about being in business, and counting chickens. I prefer now days to be a little more circumspect.

As we all know though, even the best laid plans, can be hindered by unforeseen circumstances.

I've always believed in communication.

I could in fact be accused, and rightly so, for being a little bit too fond of communication. My dear friends, must get tired at times with the 5 page long text messages on their cell phones from me (I refuse to speak in textish!). Particularly during self perceived troublesome events, usually if I feel that my motives and intentions have been ill received, yes, I'm a bit of a brooder sometimes. HEY! I'm human too.

Communicate as I might though, obstacles have come in thick and fast since I engaged my cake and cupcake business in a "bargain deal" website mid last year.

Armed with a bit of experience, I took a leap of faith with my work, and decided to try out one of these "new" 24 hour discounted deal sites.

While I went in with my eyes wide open, I wasn't really prepared for what a sensational hit my products would be, caught up in the overwhelming hype of booming sales, when I received the call from my account manager, asking if I would be prepared to up the limit of units available, of course, I eagerly said yes.

Now, I'm not sure if it's my mind set that really creates these issues for me, drawing in the energy if you will. But I personally, do not believe that you get something for nothing. I do believe that in order to have the things we desire, we must first believe we are worth those things, and then we must work hard for them.


That crazy, hyped up, exciting deal, committed me to making, not just a few dozen, but just shy of 500 dozen cupcakes.

WOWZA.

That stinking hard work ethic and mindset bit me in the patootie right from the get go!

Now, I'm not sure if you are personally in business yourself, or you use these bargain sites as a consumer, I have to say, I'm no longer a fan.

In my opinion, the large population of these bargain sites sprouting up, and showering our inbox and cell phone with discounted services and deals, from unsuspecting small to medium sized operations, are doing more harm than good. Stripping down profit margins, and creating a large demand that in many cases can not be easily met, after the hype and excitement of the figurative ringing cash register has finished.

The breed of customer, is largely represented by the haggler, petty, quibbling, and often contentious mannered folk, trying to squeeze the last drop of blood, in the hopes of really getting more bang for their buck. In a selfish somewhat greedy fashion.

Of course this is a sweeping generalisation, and my dealings with many customers that have stemmed from my "deal" last year have been mixed, with a very rare few, actually buying a product, and being grateful and thankful for the opportunity to sample a portion of what my business had to offer and a special and "temporarily" discounted rate.

 Sadly for the most part though, the customer base has been represented in the former, not the latter.

In a bit of a comedy of errors, I blundered my way through customers and little cakes, making friends, and black listing a few self confessed cupcake fanatics (psychopaths). 


During this, my body giving up and forcing me into hospital was a highlight, although on my back, paralyzed with pain, a bonafide loss of strength and function on one side of my body, AND off my face and rotten sick with various pain killers, anti inflammatories and (anti-hope you don't get too backed upperers)...at least, AT LEAST!  I got to have a day off from pushy, rude, ignorant folk, who wanted their bargain deal, outside of the perimeters of what they purchased. I wonder perhaps if the English language is a bit of a hard grasp for many online consumers?

Okay, I'll lay off my obvious dislike, for the internet bargain whores for now.

For the hard work though, there must be a pay off, a light at the end of the tunnel....some reward, for the at times painfully embarrassing, communication; For putting myself out there and not counting my chickens, and maybe allowing myself to get caught up in the excitement of success.


I've learned a lot more about myself, clearly I am not in love with the average, cheap kiwi. 

Nor do I seem to be overly fussed on discounted sales and services for small business owners; who for all intentions, just want to "make it" in their field.

Honestly, who doesn't lust to be incredibly good at and recognised for what they do. 

It's certainly in my own personal genetics, I'm sure of it.


Regardless, of perceived failure in the area at times, I am still a huge fan of being open and honest, and communicating to the best of my ability, however, this is certainly an area (as with all areas in my life) that I am eager and willing to learn more about.


I began writing this blog this morning, feeling somewhat defeated, after receiving an abrupt third party communication from an accounts department, to which my cupcake business is still in debt.

Yes, that is slightly awkward to admit, but let's be real here, there have been a few major issues, totally out of my hands to deal with. And certainly, while I can not put things back to February forever, for the time being my reality is ... no cake ... no $. 


I'm ending this blog this evening, though, feeling a little more positive, the lack of finance and cash flow from my business, a luxury and indulgent item, was unavoidable, regardless of internet deals, or illness. 

The climate in Christchurch has changed, and I am not the only small business who wasn't well enough equipped to deal with ongoing environmental challenges.


I have been incredibly successful in previous projects and I will excel again in the future. For now with strong communication and keeping people informed, of where things are at and where they are going, if nothing else, I can hold my head high and know I have done everything in my power to create continued forward momentum.


So with that, an epically long self reflection, I'll bid you farewell for now, but leave you with a challenge, yes, aimed at you bargain hunters....


Next time you want a bargain, go out and buy something, from an actual store, from an actual human being, who you know dug their car out of the snow, chances are it's the one parked right at the back of the parking lot, yes, the one with no rego, because the bill for the store was due the same week. Look them in the eye and say thank you, as you pass over the full amount for the purchase. When you leave the store, uncomplaining and unwavering in your support, you can pat yourself on the back, knowing that person now has enough money for the milk to go on their kiddies weetbix in the morning.

 

Who doesn't love a good birthday celebration?!

A luscious cake, layered with lashings of butter cream, sprinkles and topped with a candle, symbolising good wishes for the next year of life.

Illustrated birthday cards with thoughtful, sentimental verses and expressions of gratitude and love.

I'm a sucker for a good birthday celebration, in years past I have organised surprise parties and all sorts of themed activities to celebrate not just my own, but my children's, and friends birthdays.

This week, I'm celebrating my birthday, well, not the actual anniversary of my birth. However, something of near equal importance to me, the anniversary of becoming a Weight Watchers Leader.

Becoming a leader, was like putting an exclamation mark on my weight loss journey to date.

Last night, I arranged to go out for coffee and cake (yes, we eat cake at Weight Watchers) post meeting, to celebrate with a handful of co-workers, support staff and meeting members.

What a lovely evening, my support staff really surprised me toward the end of my meeting talk for ww's members, with an amazing bouquet of flowers (of course, there were not many dry eyes in the house), and a beautifully written card.

After the fantastic coffee date I arrived home to emails of gratitude for my leadership and good wishes for the future.

I'm quite chuffed, so I thought this would be a good place to share :)

____________________________________

Hi,

Just a little note to say that tonight was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed meeting some of the other members of Ali's merry men - that jen is a crack up! And I met the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Good job all round.

I know you have had it tough over the last few months, the earth moving, the end of Ali's Cupcakes, illnesses, bad backs and some nasty peeps interrupting your mojo, but this is just to let you know that you have a HUGE fan club out there. As I said at your meeting, there was a very strong trend in tonight's meeting from all those who were brave enough to share their personal journey's as they all mentioned that their own motivation is possible because of your support and ability to understand. They could go to any one of the ww meetings in Christchurch, but they choose to stay with you because of all the support and encouragement that you give us. No judgement, no lectures, just advice and a bit - nah, a lot, of laughs to help us through.

The more I get to know you, the more I am blown away by your courage, your strength through adversity and your creativity. Thank you for being you.

Just sayin'........

____________________________________ 

Ali has been a huge inspiration to me, after initially losing the weight, having it come back was really upsetting, I was going to a meeting who just wasn’t inspiring me, then I found Halswell!

Finding a leader who had the same starting weight as me was a great help, knowing that if Ali could do it, so could I. Now I work for Ali at some of her various meetings and I am back on track and motivated.

Ali is very supportive and my countless questions never seem to irritate her. Thanks for your support and motivation, and especially for getting up at 5am with me to exercise.

_____________________________________________

Dear Ali,

You are always there for me, whether it is a small question to you, it will be a large one to me. Your commitment and dedication is admirable and is never ending. You never make me feel a bother.

You are a true inspiration to me and when I need a kick up the bum I know where to come. You made me acknowledge I am worthy of this journey, I take my hat off to you, that was no easy task. I want to thank you for your never ending support, love and inspiration you have given to me in the past year and I hope in many years to come.

Your journey has only just begun, just like mine and I sure look forward to sharing that journey with you! And most of all I thank you for your open arms and friendship, remember I am always here for you!

Congratulations on your first year as a fantastic, stunning and inspirational leader. Your following is a true testament to how fantastic you are.

Thank you for being you!

XO

_____________________________________________

Even my area manager got her 2 cents in, I'm pretty glad she did:

Ali - I just wanted to say what an awesome Ambassador's Meeting you led tonight at Westfield Riccarton! I love success stories - they are part of what kept me motivated on my own journey and each one had a common theme - the support we get from meetings and having a motivational Leader! You are an inspiration to your members and to your staff and go above and beyond the call of duty. You are a force to be reckoned with and I am lucky to have you on my team! Happy first anniversary! xx

_____________________________________________

Thank you Ali. You are so amazing. I wouldn't be where I was today if it wasn't for you, and I don't just mean that in a weight loss sense either, you have helped me in so many ways. And also the fact that my boyfriend wanted to come say hi instead of going to the Fox for beers is really saying something about how awesome you are Mrs Woodhouse. :D

___________________________________________________________________________________

I think that's enough showing off for today, but how lucky am I, to get to catch up with these amazing, loving people every week! I've learned and gained so much in my time as a leader, and the friendships I have forged with many of my members is totally priceless!

Ali xo

Ali joins the circus.

The lights, they are dimming, it's time to go on,
I'm excited and nervous, where's the alcohol gone.

Time to be brave, remember all that we're taught,
"Captivate, Enticement"  that's on the ticket they bought

Lashings of make up, stockings are hitched
I really wish the lace didn't itch!

With sequins on pasties, eyelashes glued, 
Is Burlesque about.... chicks getting nude?

Curiosity peeking, the crowd starts to cheer
Last minute adjustments, get up those stairs!

With Spotlight directed, smile fixed on my face
A gleam in eye, music set to embrace..

The act was a highlight, one to remember
You've not seen the last of Miss Sassy Penders!

Written By Ali Woodhouse - 29.06.11

Well okay, not quite the circus, but I've certainly developed a refreshed love of performing arts and entertainment.

I've mentioned in my blog before, that I have been pursuing a new interest in burlesque, well I'm very excited to report, that my graduation show case is on the 31st of July, and my new alter ego Miss Sassy Penders (Sass "parAli" Penders) will be performing.

This has been a great boost, over such a stressful time in Christchurch, and something new and different to pour my energy into.

Look forward to catching up again soon, I just liked my little poem, and was excited to share LOL

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.”

It was late on Friday evening, while I was mixing cake batter, for my nephew's, milestone 5th birthday, that it happened...

My two closest, best friend John, and hubby Blair, were idly standing around the kitchen counter making small talk as I fluffed about with the cake mix.

They were discussing the benefits of Mothers, that when they needed new underwear, socks and clothing, that their Mothers were often quick, to make sure that their babies were looked after, and insure that ones arse wouldn't be hanging loose out of their knickers!

Just as my cute little mini dachshund "Cupcake" did, when we introduced a new pet into the house.... I threw my toys, and stomped my feet....and... I yelped! (Figuratively speaking, of course)

"Well", I said "Aren't you both, just so lucky", I could feel my whole body  pulse with a surge of desperate anger. I looked up to my kitchen shelving, where my Mother's ashes sit (one of the few things that these wretched earthquakes have not managed to shove out of their perch). I lashed out with violence in my tone, "isn't it nice that your Mum's can do that for you!"

To be honest, I felt embarrassed for the manner in which I shared my obvious pain, it was not intended to hurt, or make either one of these men to feel badly or guilty that I was no longer able to enjoy the priviledges that Mothers tend to afford their off spring. But I just couldn't help but make comment.

I was jealous!

Yes, jealous that my husband and closest friend still had their Mummies.

Now I'm all about having a point of difference, but losing my Mum, wasn't anything I particularly had in mind.

Even the most saintly and kind person feels moments of jealousy, and I would never buy into someone saying that they were above such an emotion. For the most part it's reactive and assuming and a little bit of a sign about our own sense of inadequacy.

Jealousy and Envy, both seem to stem from an inevitable comparison, of ourselves to others, and to what they do or don't have.

For me on Friday evening, it was fueled by raw post quake emotions, and a knowing that since I have been unable to sell cupcakes and cakes that money has been tight, and I don't have anyone looking after me and making sure that my arse isn't hanging out of my knickers!

I was jealous, not just that the boys could pick up the phone and tell their Mums that they had holes in their socks, but that they would get a verbal response and then physical action and solution would ensue.

It's a part of human nature that we size up our peers, and to be analytical about what we have and the spoils of others. Regardless of how selfish an emotion it is, we all feel it at some point, whether it's in response to a new pair of boxer shorts, a friends fabulous calf muscles, perhaps even an outwardly wonderful personal life. Can we do much about it? Well maybe you can tell me!

I realise in hindsight, with the irrational nature of envious and jealous responses, that I was just missing my Mum, that I have a lot of wonderful friends around me who look after me, just like she did. The silver lining from her absence is so enormous, I can barely put it into words. I will always miss her, and I will miss the little things she did for me.

Including new socks and undies!

Motherhood can happen when you least expect it!

Before you ask NO, I'm not pregnant!

It's amazing how, as a mother, or parent, we can feel totally overwhelmed and in love with our children, especially on the days, when our babies, have opted to be .... well..... less than pleasant; I'm grateful that these days are not overly frequent - but as with adults, kids have bad days too.


Growing up I was the only child of my Mother and Father's creation, although I was 1 of 8 combined children, from my parents previous marriages, without getting too in depth about this, I was the love child, that created havoc for my siblings, and consequently am not overly popular with the more immature of the brood.

The age gap between eldest to youngest (that's me) is quite large, and my oldest brother and sister are both in their late 40s.

With that in mind, it's not really so impossible to see how I became an Aunty when I was only 3 years old.

I've grown up since then, with a lot of "little people" in my life, from nieces and nephews, a selected few foster infants that my mother looked after and coming into adulthood, my friends offspring.

I'm definitely no expert in children, but I've certainly had nearly my entire life time worth of experience, did I mention I have over a dozen nieces and nephews? (my youngest niece just turned 1 a few short weeks ago!)

My own adventure into motherhood was not entirely black and white, and something that at the tender age of 17 when I discovered was about to happen for me, my parents were not all to impressed with, and were very quick to vocalise their concerns.

MMM, I'm sure there are a few thoughts that have crossed your mind reading that, "pregnant at 17, I wouldn't be happy with you either"

Well, you see, I wasn't pregnant!

In October 1997, I met a boy....uh oh. Well okay, he was 21, so technically a man, but let's just say boy is an accurate description for that time.

We both became quite smitten, quite quickly, so much so that I moved city for him within the space of around 7 days of having first met him. Our connection was instant, if not fueled by surging youthful hormones.

My new found beau had a very vibrant recent past;I'm sure we have all been in relationships at some point, that have had a fuzzy grey area upon their end.

To try and summarise this as plainly as possible, the boy, my now husband (Blair) and his ex girlfriend, conceived a child post relationship. And for their own reasons chose not to reconcile to raise it together, unfortunately for the female counterpart in this equation, motherhood was not something she was willing/ready for at that time and through whatever decision making process she had, decided that adopting out the infant was the best choice she could make, for her and the baby.

As an idealistic, very optimistic teenager, I was quick to encourage and support the baby being raised, in the care of his biological father.

In my eyes, it didn't make sense for the child to be cast out to any old someone, and that Blair should man up and step up to the challenges of parenthood, after all, it was him that created him!

This morning, as I soak in the realities of being Mum to a teenager; I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic.

Thinking back to Timothy's first moments of life and the ensuing days at the hospital, where my beautiful new born son was lovingly accomodated by the hospital staff, sleeping alongside the prem babies, near the nurses station, not because he was premature, or sickly, but because for many reasons it was not suitable for him to be anywhere else. I was up at the crack of dawn every day and eagerly arrived, somewhat frosted by the onset of winter, and was kindly let into the ward to care for his every need, it was my home for a few days, at the time feeling a little jaded that I couldn't stay at his side overnight, but clearly, I didn't personally require medical attention myself, so these are the things we just have to live with (hard when "injustice" is amplified in your teens).

When Tim made his appearance in the world, it was love at first sight, I was given the honour to cut his cord, and given those all too precious, special first moments of bonding, embracing his tiny little body before any other and nourishing him with his first feed. (sorry breast feeders, all bottle feeding for this lad!)

I wanted to share this in my blog today, because Timothy is just such an amazing kid, although we are not linked genetically, our bond is no different from my bond with his brothers, our looks vary, but our mannerisms are the same, and despite never living South of Christchurch, he rolls his R's like his Southland born and raised Ma. Through Tim I have learned just how precious motherhood is, and that it doesn't always come in a tidy little conformist package.

Family is not always about a DNA marker, it can often be an emotion, loving and mutual respect connection.

I was so afraid for a long time that when Tim discovered his biological beginnings, that my life as his Mum would cease to exist, instead, his understanding and gratefulness when explained, was totally awing to me. He often thanks me for being his Mum and for choosing to be there with him, and that feeling is SO mutual.

It was Timothy's birthday yesterday, my little baby, now a young man, I am so proud of him and all that he is becoming, and even though we will never be linked by blood, we are linked in heart, in respect and mutual adoration for one another.

So to Tim, thank you for being my son and choosing to walk this life time with me.

Thank you for teaching me many lessons about family, and unconditional love.

Here's to the rest our lifetimes as Mother and Son!

To those of you who have read this today, I hope you take a little insight away with you, not just about my own makings as a parent, but in your own, and all that you have to be grateful for, and treasure.

Being a parent, or significant caregiver to a child is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling moments in your lifetime.

Enjoy xo

Augustus, Veruca, Violet , Mike were all indulged in over consumption....Are your children?

Amongst all of my little oddities, you may not be too surprised to discover that I’m a bit of a voyeur …… *gasp*

Yes, I’m have a natural inclination to perv at people.

It does have its pitfalls…. I have developed a real loathing for “not so pleasant” character traits in some folk, and I guess this leads me to be slightly judgmental from time to time.

This morning, opting to take some time out for myself, I have chosen to head to Coffee Culture at Riccarton, while my three sons enjoy some time out from me and a movie at the theatre, to celebrate Tim’s (my eldest) 13th birthday.

I’ve found a wonderful little perch, just big enough for my 5 pps trim flat white bowl, and my lap top (wifi being topped up as needed).

Looking around me, I can see all sorts of people, the couple that had a hard night, that seem to be “getting to know each other”, the occasional, “oh shit what was his name?”, painful and strained, trying to recall look, coupled with the twirling hair flirty, “gosh who cares what his name is look!”

What has really caught my attention this morning though is the small family who entered and sat across from me at one of the cozy little booth seats. The children both rather … plump…walking in with bike helmets in hand, it had promise…the thought of them being out and about getting some exercise. But the demands that soon screeched out of their youthful mouths, swiftly squashed that notion.

“I WANT my usual, Mummy, get me my usual” came from the young daughters mouth, the sense of urgent demand that came across surprised me. Her brother jumping into the booth, eager expression on his face for what was about to follow.

I can only estimate their ages, based on my own children and their grasp of English language and aesthetic.

The girl would have been no older than 11, but her large double chin and premature development would have her looking a tad older than her years.

Recognising her mothers face I was interested in what was to follow.

Mum sat down with a nice big glass of water, while her daughter impatiently tapped on the table waiting what was owed to her.

Out came the order…a large iced chocolate, with a mountain of cream and ice cream and chocolate syrup, a large chocolate muffin, topped with chocolate and accompanied with butter. PHWAOR! That was some morning tea.

The brother treated to equal pleasure, they both tucked in to their “meal”

One of my well developed loathing is lack of eating etiquette, maybe something that as an overeater in the past, I am more aware of in my adulthood, and even more so the pained recollection of my childhood years and the smacked arse that was adorned me if I dared to eat in a sloppy and piggy way.

Both children crammed their mouths full, chomping with mouths wide open, crumbs falling all over their clothing, talking all the while.

Truth be told, if that was my children they would be out that door so fast!
(Obviously though we all have different priorities and schools of thought on what is acceptable and what is not….yes I can accept that…)

It dawned on me where I recognized Mum from…..some where I have been visiting to keep my health and well being (and weight) on the right pathway for many years.

MMM, pretty sure I don’t need to spell it out ….

It got me thinking, about the flow on effect as parents who have taken steps to reeducate ourselves about healthy living, portion sizing, nutrients, and about treating our bodies more respectfully.

As a mother it’s important to me that my children recognize that it’s okay to have tasty indulgences from time to time, certainly a double chocolate muffin is not the devil, and like wise neither is an iced chocolate.

Though to eat these things as a demanded right, and to devour them without taking the time to really appreciate them for their flavours/textures/enjoyment, to me is something that practices against everything I have learned.

It’s hard to share my opinion without causing offence to those that may read this, but I guess at this juncture in this epic(ally long) sharing, it’s a little late for that.

Having heard this mother talk in desperation about the difficulties she has had with her weight management journey, and her families, suggested sabotage…

Seeing the look of deprivation, while she watched her daughter feast, on sugar laden foods that she purchased, I’m now struggling to feel sympathy.

In this act of loving and nurturing her children through indulgent food, is she not teaching her children the very same habits and “sabotage” that she has been trying to escape herself?

If I could see the look of longing on her face for a taste of that muffin, surely, so too could her children sense that….

Does this not teach them, that if they were to choose something less indulgent that they would also feel deprived?

As an individual, when I come to a coffee shop, now with my new “tool kit” of learning, I now make choices in food, that I know will be tasty, and fresh (that is generally not a muffin that they need to heat to take the stale edge off it either), the choice falls in theme with the fuel my body needs to keep energy levels up and lethargy down….so surely as a parent, it’s my responsibility to do the same thing for my children.

Spending time with our children, doesn’t mean that we have to eat. I’ve long associated spending time with people as being partnered with having to eat (family gatherings when I was younger, were only ever present if there was food involved), and it’s taken me many years to begin to remodel that belief and mindset….It is okay to sit down in a café and enjoy a single beverage and not have to shove food in my mouth that I wasn’t actually needing.

I really hope that I’ve been able to teach, a little slice of this to my children…. I really do.

Surely I can’t be alone in thinking some of these things from time to time…..can I?

Good Vibrations

Old broken things must be torn down, in order to make way for the new!

It is said that there is a silver lining in most situations, and I'm sure for many of us living in post quake Canterbury, that silver lining has been hidden behind a cloak of pain and mourning.

As we see many parts of our beloved city and communities being torn down and carted away, it's difficult not to reflect upon the things that have been lost.

Clearly the structures and iconic places in our city are unsafe, and no longer serve to connect our people, so the reality is that these must be replaced, with new foundations, new memories and actions that see us rebuild, and live as a stronger, more connected people.

As a Weight Watchers leader, this is such a situation that leads me to reflect back
to my own weight loss journey.

HUH? How is this related to a major natural disaster?

Well let's face it, at 124kg I was a walking, talking, natural disaster!

Only mother nature didn't create me, I created me, through old structured behaviours, and foundations that were not serving to connect me with good health, and a long, vital, happy, lifetime.

In order to create a new life, I had to bring in the demolition crew, to smash down the old habits that got me to where I was. There was certainly a period of mourning, of feeling like I was missing out, and a sense of deprivation. There were moments of anger and frustration, of blaming all external influences (yes, sometimes people), and at times, when my week didn't pan out exactly as planned where I felt that the silver lining was a lousy crock and totally unattainable.

Making change is never easy, whether it be forced, like powerful earthquakes, pushing us towards a brighter future, or by choice, like the decision to make a better life, by working towards a healthy body.

The silver lining is in the learning, it's certainly not how we fall down, it's all about how we get back up, and how we find that forward momentum to make the fall all the more worth it.

It's easier to look back at what we no longer have, the easy road! And it's easier to hinder ourselves, by making our goals unattainable.

This week I'm challenged to continue to change my thinking, to keep focus on what will be, not what was.

I was faced with a statement in one of my meetings last night, that I had already traveled the road to success, and may no longer relate to the struggles of weight loss and the changes that are a necessary tool for that; This kind of surprised me, and perhaps I need to make a point in the future, this journey is not just about building a new life, it's about continually refurnishing it, to keep things fresh and new, it's an ongoing project to maintain my weight loss, and it's not something that I will ever be able to cease. I choose a healthier lifestyle, and as with all things in life, it takes constant learning, and practice to keep things in order.

I finish my blog today, by thanking the lady at Dodds Pharmacy for indulging my questions about the demo work in Merivale, and for her insightful comment about pulling down old structures and by quoting a phrase I heard at a Weight Watchers meeting last weekend....

"If you always do, what you've always done, you'll always get, what you've always got"

<3

Success is ...... ?

success  (səkˈsɛs)
— n
1.	the favourable outcome of something attempted
2.	the attainment of wealth, fame, etc
3.	an action, performance, etc, that is characterized by success
4.	a person or thing that is successful

I love the first meaning given on dictionary.com for the word success. It's something many of the men and women at my Weight Watcher's meetings strive for, on most days, and in most weigh ins.

Success it seems holds a very different meaning for many people.

I've witnessed a lot of my members recently, outwardly feeling let down and expressing disappointment in their weekly achievements.

Statements passing the lips like "I so don't deserve this", "I tried so hard this week, I thought it would be more" "Oh I'm just disappointed it's not more"

I love that my members feel comfortable and safe to share their frustration. But I wish so very much that there was a way to help these lovely people see that every little step forward in the right direction, is a step closer to their ultimate goals.


Every 100 grams loss that has followed a week of following the program isn't a reward for "good behaviour" but the bodies way of releasing energy that is superfluous, and is thanking you for creating a more hospitable environment to function in.

Every 100 grams loss following a week on the program, is a 100 grams closer to making solid habits that will see you through a happy, healthy, LONG and vital lifetime.

5 weeks of 100 gram losses is a whole block of butter!

I currently believe that successes are overshadowed by high expectations, perhaps set so high to save ourselves from facing up to the fact that we may actually achieve something so great and so wonderful as being at a healthy bmi; in a place where we will have to be accountable for what goes in our mouths, and whether we get butt off couch for 30 minutes to get the exercise our body so craves....

Okay, it's becoming clearer now....if we only see the dark side and what we haven't achieved, we'll never ever get to goal....we wont have success, I guess that makes it easier to justify the chocolate cake huh!

And means we wont ever truly fail either, because we've never REALLY let ourselves try.

But being in a constant state of "fat person" limbo isn't right either is it....

So what is success???

To me success is just as the first explanation describes it: The favourable outcome, of something attempted.

It's favourable to me that I live a long, healthy and vital life.

It's favourable to my bank account to not have to replace my wardrobe because I've busted out of my pants.

It's favourable to me that I can go for a run in the park with my children, and not "Mummy is just going to watch, you guys go ahead"

Success for me is being true to myself, no games, no pretense....

Success is getting on the scales and gaining 200 grams, knowing that I did the best I could for me during the week, making healthy decisions that will impact on my long term future.

Success is drinking a bottle of water on a cold and dreary day, because it helps keep my body running efficiently.

and ....

Failure......can only happen, when we stop trying!


Ali xo

From behind the darkness....we have to find "new normal"

It's incredible how time can stand still, rewind, or fast forward and catapult us into the future, within seconds.

I realise that sounds a little ass about face. (Let's be honest, most of what I say sounds like that at times)

Life for me recently has been measured in earthquakes, and Richter Scale.

I can guarantee that I'm not alone, but fleeting thoughts have made it feel that way.

Finally nearly 3 months since the emotional devastation of the February 22nd earthquake, my emotional balance is starting to return....it's not that I went crazy, but the dark clouds that enveloped my thoughts, the sleep deprivation and trying to keep the emotions and confidence of my children and husband up, certainly took it's toll.

I haven't blogged recently, not for lack of plenty to say, but because of an inability to put how lost I was feeling into words.

Since February, I've made a few positive changes, I think that the Earthquake and surrounding events really helped me put a few things in perspective - if I keep dreaming about the things I want to do, and continually put it off for a 'better time' will my dreams and goals ever become the reality I hope for?

I think not.

In my last blog I mentioned having dread extensions put in, what a liberating feeling to finally not give a toss what anyone else thought of my personal style.

I have had my dreads now since March, with a small break of a week when I had them out to tidy up my natural hair.

Dreads look great, but not when they look like I don't wash :P

I've also started a course with Ayla's Burlesque Academy, how fun to learn a new style of performing arts, some reactions have entertained me, with my husband asking if it meant I was going to have relations with other people.

Really, NOT what burlesque is about. (there are OTHER sorts of places that will cater to that)

The way I would describe it is more like the circus without the big top and animals.

It's comedy and theatrics, contortionists, fire dancers, belly dancers, pasties, hula hoops and so much more... slipping into a character and performing outside your normal social boundaries.

It's re invigorated my relationship with my role as a Weight Watcher's leader, especially when I think about how large I became before I had the courage to change.

Now that I am healthy and vital and eating in a way that is good for my body, and makes me feel good, it really is the most essential ingredient to redefining my self esteem and the confidence to entertain people in such an over the top, theatrical way.


I wonder if Sept - Feb and til now have had similar results in others motivations and desire for a better self?

I kind of hope so....don't you?

I know not everyone desires to be a belly dancer, or twirl tassels on their boobs or even to have florescent hair, but sure we all want better for ourselves? Maybe events like major and destructive Earthquakes can create  that desire to do something about it, instead of constantly whinging on about "I wants"


Me xo

Have you ever noticed?

Have you noticed around New Years time, a lot of people will make a list of things that they WONT do anymore?

Ridiculous notions, such as giving up the glorious temptation of chocolate.

Seriously.....why do that?

*eyes up pantry*

I have several to do lists...YUP.....I AM totally one of those painful people who forever wants to try something new!

Recent events have certainly given me a bit of a shake up (pardon the pun) there really are so many things that I have yet to try.

Last year before my 30th, I had made mention of wanting to try a bungee jump,despite having a paralyzing fear of heights!

One of my dear friends bought me the ticket, although not entirely ruled by superstition, the 3 dozen white roses that accompanied it did make me hold off a little.

A short time later, the business operating the jump was shut down due to mishap.

So while my to do right now might not be very daring and adventurous, there really are some personal projects I need to finish up!

For many years I have wanted dreads put in, the synthetic kind.

So this is first up on the list.....I have a good friend in Palmerston North putting these in for me in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see what it looks like, let's just hope I don't look like a right conk.

I really have put this off for too long, and you know what, I really can't think of a decent reason why!



(Picture courtesy of Amy Layzell, photo taken by Umbra Digital)

Frustration Mounts

Something that I'm finding really difficult to deal with right now is the rubbernecking gloating people.

I can understand and appreciate that NZ is not a large country, and that with 2 degrees of separation we are all connected in some way.

Do people really have to prove their levels of testosterone by fabricating stories of heroism? Or grieving and sorrow?

My house is uninhabitable status updates on facebook for instance, one day before posting photos cooking in the kitchen of the house.

As a city we are all hurting, more often than not for the sheer enormity of the situation, for other peoples hurting and pain. Because in large a lot of us feel helpless. We can not promise our loved ones or neighbours that everything will be okay, when the future for us and the inevitability of another natural disaster that compares is so uncertain.

Tens of thousands of people left Christchurch last week, for fear of what mother nature will do next, some with no home left to speak of, losing loved ones and feeling as though faith in our city was a waste of time. I really feel for these people.

I have a whole different kind of feeling, for those desperate to use the situation to show boat, to be the most worse off, to get praise for false acts of bravery.

Again I do get that we all have different ways of coping, but I just find it utterly disrespectful and hope that eventually these foolish folk grow up at some point, and get honest with themselves, and give the praise and focus to those who deserve and need it.

Not feeling so sublime today....

Everything I've committed to blog to date pales in significance today as I reflect back over the last 8 days.

What has been lost here in Christchurch, the people, the architecture, the City that was.

Most likely too soon to make such a comment, but there is certainly a silver lining in all of this, as communities are driven together, busy parents are on enforced break from work and their day to day hustle and bustle, and regain a little of the day to day bond with their children that is often lacking in our busy society.

People so often taken forgranted now remembered for all their amazing capabilities and giving natures as their bodies are laid to rest. And their families focus on healing their broken hearts.

Good Samaritans giving so selflessly to complete strangers, not for the kudos and recognition, but because it's part of them to look after and nurture those around them.

All races and people walking beside each other, atheists and christians, tall, short, fat, skinny....working together to recover, rebuild and restrengthen our Christchurch.

I've lived in Christchurch for 13 or so years now, and consider this home. I'll be honest, there have certainly been moments in the last week where moving town/country has been in my thoughts. But the reality is I'm not sure I could leave right now, when there is so much to be done, and so many to look after.

I'm proud to have helped on the end of a shovel, at my keyboard and on the phone, and I will continue to do so while I am able to.

My mind is a buzz with thought ... translating this into cohesive sentences is a little tricky it would seem. So I'll sign off for now.

Ali xo

Spineless!

Well I'm not really, but I'm beginning to wish I was.

Before Christmas I was admitted into hospital with a bulging back disc. The pressure from the disc affecting the strength and function of my left side.

I felt like 103 year old, laid up in hospital in the neurology unit with stroke patients and people who had undergone surgery.

It's such a humiliating injury, not being able to get out of bed, or put on a bra without assistance, or get to the toilet on your own.

The pain is back, no pun intended, I feel the same today as I did in the lead up to my last hospital stay.

My poor husband has been roped in to helping me with my cupcake orders for the morning, not like he has enough to do with his own business and helping me run our busy household.

I'm totally snappy, and intolerant and pretty freaking bitchy to be honest.

I feel like screaming and swearing and crying....

This too shall pass!

I'm feeling a little miffed tonight, while delivering my meeting - stumbled across some conflicting information in the program materials.....it was bad enough that it made me feel like a twit, but the lady pointing it out kept arguing about it, there really was nothing that I could do about the information printed in front of us all...so I tried to move on....and was snapped at for trying to keep the flow of my meeting going without the silly argumentative stuff. *sigh*

I realise I can't please everyone....but now I feel bad for maybe offending her.

*rolls eyes*

I'm going to take my stroppy sore self to bed.

XO

Mum's the word

It was just a few short days ago that it occurred to me .... this will be my 7th birthday without my Mummy!

My Mum, passed away on January 9th 2004, after being brushed with unforgiving and toxic Cancer.

I'm relieved the end for Mum came when it did, as she was such a strong, determined woman, that watching her whittle away to a submissive shell of herself was most unbearable.

The time since my realisation has been a little hazy, I've been a little slow to get out of the starting blocks most days since, and feeling a little hollow and "emo"


Personally I find it a little tricky to pull my socks up and be a big girl at times like this, although I really don't see a need to put on a fake smile.

I loved my Mum as most daughters do! I know that as my birthday approaches I will continue to get a little "whispy and tearful". It's good for me to honour my feelings, but equally, now acknowledged, I need to pull my socks up and get on with celebrating, just as she would have.

PS: I didn't use my jandals today, instead I talked to dozens and dozens of interesting men and woman who work for Westpac, it was great to be seen as such a positive role model for them and share my adventures with Weight Watchers and my own personal weight loss journey. I only hope I inspired some of those in need to come along to a community meeting and see just what an amazing difference they can make to their lives with a few small adjustments to food intake and choices. I felt a little mean and miserable though when it came to my own meeting tonight at Riccarton - I felt totally sucked dry, and was a bit of a blank when it came time to deliver my meeting....

There is a lesson in that too - and packing adequate snacks!

Picture attached is a much fatter Ali, with a very unwell Mummy!

Time to handle the jandal.

My jandals broke a couple of weeks ago.

Just another reason to shy away from the scales in meeting eh?!

Yes, I'm just like 80% of you....my weigh in at home is generally starkers and first thing in the morning.

In meeting however, I prefer my singlet, tights and jandals.


I thought my $3.50 spend at Countdown on these last night was a step forward in the right direction.

Like Kirsten says, "no excuses!"

Confessional....

I've never once considered myself a coward, sure, I'm not particular fussed with confrontation, but if the moment calls for it, I'm a pretty tough cookie, and I'm usually totally happy to stand up for what I believe to be just and right.


mmmhmmm, I do think it's official though, despite my delight for mathematics (ok ok my calculator) I'm pretty sure that I'm scared of numbers.

I wonder what that is called?! A numberphob?

and after a quick google search, I wasn't too far off!

Numerophobia!

That's it, that must be it, not at all the knowledge that I often bite off a little more than I can chew, but I'm afraid of numbers.

Or am I?


Todays confessional, and for my very first blog, perhaps not the easiest one to make:

My name is Ali, I'm a Weight Watchers Leader, I nurture and support 100+ men and women on a weekly basis, to strive for a better life, to achieve all they desire, to help them realise their strengths and combat their weaknesses.

It is my firm belief that my members enjoy better and more regular success if they attend and weigh in at a weekly meeting, if not my own, at the closest location to them at the time.

The accountability, support and fellowship gained from such surroundings is unparalled in a journey of such a large emotional investment.

I stopped attending a meeting for myself a few months ago, for various reasons, consolidated now back to mere excuses.

(There really is no good and sound reason for me to have put my health and well being on the back seat.)

It was encouraging to diary note a new meeting, I can attend, as the member I originally started out as. Although I do feel guilty sharing in the meeting now, almost like I'm an intrusion to the group....

I have also been unable to bring myself to step on the scales.

Weighing in at home is no issue for me.

However the thought of weighing now in front of my peers, and members who I have shared my journey with has become a very confrontational event.

Three weeks I have been back to meetings.

And even then I toy with omitting that I couldn't face it today (instead I vacuumed my lounge and caught up on some washing), because it would have been the third week in a row I couldn't bear to get on the scales.

mmm well maybe this is not a issue with numbers after all.



It's certainly a scary feeling to come across a barrier like this, particularly when I know that many people look to me as a source of inspiration and hope for their own success.

My blog creation is to steal back a little of that "me" time I feel I'm missing from having a regular weigh and meeting experience for myself.

To consolidate a few thoughts and emotions.

And to hopefully continue to help others in their journey.

The joy I get to experience every time one of my members shares a success with me, the tears, laughter and heart I get to share in meeting and via email communications back and forward, the praise for my meetings and the pride I feel towards members totally makes this journey one to be committed to.

This blog serves to remind me that Ali is as deserving of sublime as each of my darling and beautiful members I am honoured to meet.