My two closest, best friend John, and hubby Blair, were idly standing around the kitchen counter making small talk as I fluffed about with the cake mix.
They were discussing the benefits of Mothers, that when they needed new underwear, socks and clothing, that their Mothers were often quick, to make sure that their babies were looked after, and insure that ones arse wouldn't be hanging loose out of their knickers!
Just as my cute little mini dachshund "Cupcake" did, when we introduced a new pet into the house.... I threw my toys, and stomped my feet....and... I yelped! (Figuratively speaking, of course)
"Well", I said "Aren't you both, just so lucky", I could feel my whole body pulse with a surge of desperate anger. I looked up to my kitchen shelving, where my Mother's ashes sit (one of the few things that these wretched earthquakes have not managed to shove out of their perch). I lashed out with violence in my tone, "isn't it nice that your Mum's can do that for you!"
To be honest, I felt embarrassed for the manner in which I shared my obvious pain, it was not intended to hurt, or make either one of these men to feel badly or guilty that I was no longer able to enjoy the priviledges that Mothers tend to afford their off spring. But I just couldn't help but make comment.
I was jealous!
Yes, jealous that my husband and closest friend still had their Mummies.
Now I'm all about having a point of difference, but losing my Mum, wasn't anything I particularly had in mind.
Even the most saintly and kind person feels moments of jealousy, and I would never buy into someone saying that they were above such an emotion. For the most part it's reactive and assuming and a little bit of a sign about our own sense of inadequacy.
Jealousy and Envy, both seem to stem from an inevitable comparison, of ourselves to others, and to what they do or don't have.
For me on Friday evening, it was fueled by raw post quake emotions, and a knowing that since I have been unable to sell cupcakes and cakes that money has been tight, and I don't have anyone looking after me and making sure that my arse isn't hanging out of my knickers!
I was jealous, not just that the boys could pick up the phone and tell their Mums that they had holes in their socks, but that they would get a verbal response and then physical action and solution would ensue.
It's a part of human nature that we size up our peers, and to be analytical about what we have and the spoils of others. Regardless of how selfish an emotion it is, we all feel it at some point, whether it's in response to a new pair of boxer shorts, a friends fabulous calf muscles, perhaps even an outwardly wonderful personal life. Can we do much about it? Well maybe you can tell me!
I realise in hindsight, with the irrational nature of envious and jealous responses, that I was just missing my Mum, that I have a lot of wonderful friends around me who look after me, just like she did. The silver lining from her absence is so enormous, I can barely put it into words. I will always miss her, and I will miss the little things she did for me.
Including new socks and undies!
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